Arguing in front of the children

"Why do we always spend Christmas at your family's house?" "Can't you ever pay a bill on time?" "Are you humanly incapable of vacuuming, replacing a roll of toilet paper, or of knowing the difference between the bathroom floor and the laundry basket?" Sound familiar? Hardly any parent is blameless when it comes to bickering with her spouse over the day-to-day business of raising children and sharing a space.

But what happens when you lose it with each other in front of your little ones? Will they be permanently traumatized? As it happens, children in high-conflict homes may suffer from anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and sleep disturbances, according to a 2006 study published in the journal Child Development. Thankfully, the more trivial stuff-the-you squeezed the toothpaste from the middle-annoyance-doesn't exactly qualify as "high conflict". But children do notice, and such incidents can have an effect.

Is there a productive way to argue, assuming a three-day silent treatment gets you nowhere..? Though it might sound like an oxymoron and maybe a little self-help-ish it is possible to have a "caring" argument. It's one in which both parties show respect for each other-by listening, not interrupting, and never screaming or name calling. Arguing in a caring way teaches children a great lesson: that you can disagree without going to war. Talk to your children about what's happening as soon as possible. If a child witnesses a fight, parents should try to say, "Mummy and Daddy are having an argument, but we still love each other very much, and we still love you." Because when children see mum and dad heatedly interacting, it can feel to them like the world is ending. And sometimes, when they see that the world doesn't end, they adopt the same troublesome fighting tactics. Parental fights that escalate into yelling matches might make the children think, if mummy and daddy do it, it must be all right, but that won't go over so well on the playground, at school, with their siblings, or for that matter, in life.

Arguing is about control. One person insists he or she is right while the other is wrong by default. Having to have your own way all the time is a personality problem that needs to be worked on. Picking fights and being nasty makes you unlikable in general, but dangerous as a spouse or a parent. Consider if hurting every one's feelings is worth being right.

To make your children feel safer in those instances when the gloves come off, really make an effort to be kind to and appreciative of your partner on a regular basis-with words like "Thanks for doing the dishes", as well as physical signs of affection. Treating your partner with respect shows children what healthy relationships look like and give them a cushion so when there is an argument, they can begin to distinguish between disagreements and earth-shattering conflict. All children deserve to grow up in a peaceful, stable loving environment.