Arguing in front of the children

"Why do we always spend Christmas at your family's house?" "Can't you ever pay a bill on time?" "Are you humanly incapable of vacuuming, replacing a roll of toilet paper, or of knowing the difference between the bathroom floor and the laundry basket?" Sound familiar? Hardly any parent is blameless when it comes to bickering with her spouse over the day-to-day business of raising children and sharing a space.

But what happens when you lose it with each other in front of your little ones? Will they be permanently traumatized? As it happens, children in high-conflict homes may suffer from anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and sleep disturbances, according to a 2006 study published in the journal Child Development. Thankfully, the more trivial stuff-the-you squeezed the toothpaste from the middle-annoyance-doesn't exactly qualify as "high conflict". But children do notice, and such incidents can have an effect.

Is there a productive way to argue, assuming a three-day silent treatment gets you nowhere..? Though it might sound like an oxymoron and maybe a little self-help-ish it is possible to have a "caring" argument. It's one in which both parties show respect for each other-by listening, not interrupting, and never screaming or name calling. Arguing in a caring way teaches children a great lesson: that you can disagree without going to war. Talk to your children about what's happening as soon as possible. If a child witnesses a fight, parents should try to say, "Mummy and Daddy are having an argument, but we still love each other very much, and we still love you." Because when children see mum and dad heatedly interacting, it can feel to them like the world is ending. And sometimes, when they see that the world doesn't end, they adopt the same troublesome fighting tactics. Parental fights that escalate into yelling matches might make the children think, if mummy and daddy do it, it must be all right, but that won't go over so well on the playground, at school, with their siblings, or for that matter, in life.

Arguing is about control. One person insists he or she is right while the other is wrong by default. Having to have your own way all the time is a personality problem that needs to be worked on. Picking fights and being nasty makes you unlikable in general, but dangerous as a spouse or a parent. Consider if hurting every one's feelings is worth being right.

To make your children feel safer in those instances when the gloves come off, really make an effort to be kind to and appreciative of your partner on a regular basis-with words like "Thanks for doing the dishes", as well as physical signs of affection. Treating your partner with respect shows children what healthy relationships look like and give them a cushion so when there is an argument, they can begin to distinguish between disagreements and earth-shattering conflict. All children deserve to grow up in a peaceful, stable loving environment.

Making Bedtime Positive

Do you have to haggle with your child to get her into bed at night? Do you struggle and, in some cases, bribe your child to get into bed and settle down? Is bedtime a positive experience for you and your child? Or do you consider it a chore?


As child of the '80s, I would always get tired when I heard the theme song to Dallas or Thorn Birds. To this day, those old songs make me want to head to bed. My mind associates those songs with sleep time because those shows came on when I was brushing my teeth to get ready to go to bed. That kind of routine is very comforting. Our bodies and minds connect the most with ritual, habit or pattern. In hopes of helping parents better understand the importance of positive bedtime habits, and knowing that following a regular bedtime routine can help a lot in the behavior and maternal mood of children, I have outlined the steps which map out a route to a successful bedtime routine that both you and your child can benefit from.

1) Keep the mood positive

Laughter is one of the best ways to release stress and feel good. The chemicals released in the body through laughter reduce tension. There is probably no substitute for finding ways to have fun with our children. So, the first thing to remember is keeping the mood positive.

2) The setting

Dim the lights in your child’s room. Change the tone of your voice. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Play classical music designed for children very softly in the background. This has a very soothing effect.

3) The power of controlled Breathing

Many of us know the positive effects of controlled breathing. Controlled, conscious breathing has the benefit of relaxing muscles and reducing stress. Help your child learn to take conscious, deep breaths to relax. Have your child get into bed, lay on her back and, putting a hand on her belly, show her how to inhale deeply (preferably through the nose, but through the mouth is fine) and slowly exhale through the mouth.

Rather than thinking about the events and worries of their day, as children focus on their own breath, their minds will become quiet. Their breathing will also automatically slow down and deepen, bringing more oxygen into their bodies and helping them to relax. I recommend 5-10 deep breaths.

4) Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements about who we are, and what we can become and experience. They help us focus on what we want. The key in using affirmations effectively is to have them evoke positive emotions within us.

Steven Covey, in his best seller, "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, suggested that we can use affirmation that will help us become more congruent with our deeper values in our daily life. Covey then suggests that we repeat affirmation for a few minutes each day. After your child has taken several deep breaths, repeat with them, the following affirmations,

I am special

I am unique

I believe in me

I can do anything and anything is possible

Convey suggests that if you do this with your child, day after day your child’s behavior will start to change. It teaches, instead of living out of the scripts given to us by society or by our environment, we will be living out of the script that is written from our own self-selected value system. A powerful skill for any child to have.

5) Happy moment

And finally, in the spirit of a positive bedtime, ask your child what their happy moment of the day was? This will help them focus on the positive things that have happened to them, during the day. Your child will start by saying, “My happy moment was...” This will reinforce a positive mental mood; help them focus on happy experiences that have happened to them during the day. The perfect way for you and your child to enjoy the final moments of the day together.

One thing to remember, a child is not putty in our hands. She belong to herself and bring her own personality and unique ‘life’s work’ into the world. In order for this bedtime routine to be successful, listen to your child, allow her to express herself. The more you are awake, alive, and listening and feeling deep into your own life- instead of zipping and rushing over it’s surface-the more you will have to smile about. Your child is brilliant, full of ideas, energy and promise. Wherever you are in the world, with that thought in mind, I wish you and your child, many peaceful, happy bedtimes moments.




Summed up,

1) Keep the mood positive

2) A tranquil setting

3) The power of controlled breathing

4) Affirmations

5) Happy moment