Arguing in front of the children

"Why do we always spend Christmas at your family's house?" "Can't you ever pay a bill on time?" "Are you humanly incapable of vacuuming, replacing a roll of toilet paper, or of knowing the difference between the bathroom floor and the laundry basket?" Sound familiar? Hardly any parent is blameless when it comes to bickering with her spouse over the day-to-day business of raising children and sharing a space.

But what happens when you lose it with each other in front of your little ones? Will they be permanently traumatized? As it happens, children in high-conflict homes may suffer from anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and sleep disturbances, according to a 2006 study published in the journal Child Development. Thankfully, the more trivial stuff-the-you squeezed the toothpaste from the middle-annoyance-doesn't exactly qualify as "high conflict". But children do notice, and such incidents can have an effect.

Is there a productive way to argue, assuming a three-day silent treatment gets you nowhere..? Though it might sound like an oxymoron and maybe a little self-help-ish it is possible to have a "caring" argument. It's one in which both parties show respect for each other-by listening, not interrupting, and never screaming or name calling. Arguing in a caring way teaches children a great lesson: that you can disagree without going to war. Talk to your children about what's happening as soon as possible. If a child witnesses a fight, parents should try to say, "Mummy and Daddy are having an argument, but we still love each other very much, and we still love you." Because when children see mum and dad heatedly interacting, it can feel to them like the world is ending. And sometimes, when they see that the world doesn't end, they adopt the same troublesome fighting tactics. Parental fights that escalate into yelling matches might make the children think, if mummy and daddy do it, it must be all right, but that won't go over so well on the playground, at school, with their siblings, or for that matter, in life.

Arguing is about control. One person insists he or she is right while the other is wrong by default. Having to have your own way all the time is a personality problem that needs to be worked on. Picking fights and being nasty makes you unlikable in general, but dangerous as a spouse or a parent. Consider if hurting every one's feelings is worth being right.

To make your children feel safer in those instances when the gloves come off, really make an effort to be kind to and appreciative of your partner on a regular basis-with words like "Thanks for doing the dishes", as well as physical signs of affection. Treating your partner with respect shows children what healthy relationships look like and give them a cushion so when there is an argument, they can begin to distinguish between disagreements and earth-shattering conflict. All children deserve to grow up in a peaceful, stable loving environment.

Making Bedtime Positive

Do you have to haggle with your child to get her into bed at night? Do you struggle and, in some cases, bribe your child to get into bed and settle down? Is bedtime a positive experience for you and your child? Or do you consider it a chore?


As child of the '80s, I would always get tired when I heard the theme song to Dallas or Thorn Birds. To this day, those old songs make me want to head to bed. My mind associates those songs with sleep time because those shows came on when I was brushing my teeth to get ready to go to bed. That kind of routine is very comforting. Our bodies and minds connect the most with ritual, habit or pattern. In hopes of helping parents better understand the importance of positive bedtime habits, and knowing that following a regular bedtime routine can help a lot in the behavior and maternal mood of children, I have outlined the steps which map out a route to a successful bedtime routine that both you and your child can benefit from.

1) Keep the mood positive

Laughter is one of the best ways to release stress and feel good. The chemicals released in the body through laughter reduce tension. There is probably no substitute for finding ways to have fun with our children. So, the first thing to remember is keeping the mood positive.

2) The setting

Dim the lights in your child’s room. Change the tone of your voice. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Play classical music designed for children very softly in the background. This has a very soothing effect.

3) The power of controlled Breathing

Many of us know the positive effects of controlled breathing. Controlled, conscious breathing has the benefit of relaxing muscles and reducing stress. Help your child learn to take conscious, deep breaths to relax. Have your child get into bed, lay on her back and, putting a hand on her belly, show her how to inhale deeply (preferably through the nose, but through the mouth is fine) and slowly exhale through the mouth.

Rather than thinking about the events and worries of their day, as children focus on their own breath, their minds will become quiet. Their breathing will also automatically slow down and deepen, bringing more oxygen into their bodies and helping them to relax. I recommend 5-10 deep breaths.

4) Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements about who we are, and what we can become and experience. They help us focus on what we want. The key in using affirmations effectively is to have them evoke positive emotions within us.

Steven Covey, in his best seller, "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, suggested that we can use affirmation that will help us become more congruent with our deeper values in our daily life. Covey then suggests that we repeat affirmation for a few minutes each day. After your child has taken several deep breaths, repeat with them, the following affirmations,

I am special

I am unique

I believe in me

I can do anything and anything is possible

Convey suggests that if you do this with your child, day after day your child’s behavior will start to change. It teaches, instead of living out of the scripts given to us by society or by our environment, we will be living out of the script that is written from our own self-selected value system. A powerful skill for any child to have.

5) Happy moment

And finally, in the spirit of a positive bedtime, ask your child what their happy moment of the day was? This will help them focus on the positive things that have happened to them, during the day. Your child will start by saying, “My happy moment was...” This will reinforce a positive mental mood; help them focus on happy experiences that have happened to them during the day. The perfect way for you and your child to enjoy the final moments of the day together.

One thing to remember, a child is not putty in our hands. She belong to herself and bring her own personality and unique ‘life’s work’ into the world. In order for this bedtime routine to be successful, listen to your child, allow her to express herself. The more you are awake, alive, and listening and feeling deep into your own life- instead of zipping and rushing over it’s surface-the more you will have to smile about. Your child is brilliant, full of ideas, energy and promise. Wherever you are in the world, with that thought in mind, I wish you and your child, many peaceful, happy bedtimes moments.




Summed up,

1) Keep the mood positive

2) A tranquil setting

3) The power of controlled breathing

4) Affirmations

5) Happy moment

I want to be famous

Forget about the days when children looked up to powerful women as role models. Today Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears are the people that children look up to and idolise. In the celebrity culture of the 21st century are celebrities considered to be the leaders in our community? Is the celebrity culture indicative of the values and morals which our society considers to be important? Is the society we live in today only concerned with money, fame and designer clothing?
Celebrities have become familiar icons we see day in and day out. We read and talk about the latest antics of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton but is this how children, define themselves?
Media- TV, tabloid magazines, newspapers and particularly the internet are today more readily accessible to children of all ages. For young girls, it’s opening Pandora ’s Box. Everything’s at their little varnish-coated fingertips. Could the media’s portrayal of people in the spotlight, who seemingly achieved overnight success, lead some youngsters to feel less than positive about themselves? Could it lead them to believe that education is not necessary for success and that fame and fortune can be easily be achieved?
I don’t think it’s all bad to have children looking up to role models who have achieved success through their artistic or athletic talents. This is certainly a less classist approach than teaching kids they need to have a PhD. to amount to anything. So maybe we adults just need to be a little more careful about who we worship and make it clear that it is through hard work and deternination that success is achieved.

No more TV

Yelling at the television used to be something adults did while watching “Who wants to be a millionaire!” But young children have become the real pros.

Sit down with a 3-year-old to watch “Blue’s Clues” or “Dora the Explorer,” and see the shouting erupt. Whenever a character faces the camera and asks a question, my daughters are usually answering it.

Paulo and I have long been contenplaiting aboloshing TV in our home all together. Do we want TV to be the focus of our living space? Do we want our girls to grow up glued to the box? Would we be depriving them? Currently they have a TV in they bedroom. They’re allowed to watch an episode of a French cartoon in the evening and a Disney movie on the weekend.

Active engagement with television has been an antidote to criticism that the tube creates zombies. “Blue’s Clues,” has been credited with helping young children learn from the screen. Academic research has shown that viewers ages 3 to 5 score better on tests of problem solving than those who haven’t watched the show. But what happens with children younger than 3? Does Bianca (2) really gain from watching TV? Should babies and toddlers be exposed to television at all? Is there any chance that they could actually learn from the screen? While debates rage among parents, pediatricians and critics, developmental psychologists are trying to apply some science to the question.

Researchers at the University of Washington found that toddler who spent time in front of the television translates into lower reading and short-term memory scores at 6 and 7 years old.
"Watching even really good educational shows ... is bad" for children under 3, according to Frederick Zimmerman, co-director of the Child Health Institute and lead author of the study published in the Journal of Pediatrics.

Since 1999, the Academy of Pediatrics has recommended no television for children 2 and younger, including educational shows. For older children, the academy suggests no more than one to two hours a day of "quality" television, perhaps watching an episode of 'Sesame Street' or 'Mickey Mouse Club House' and not an episode of 'X-Factor'

A Letter to My Daughters

Heartwarming words written by president Barack Obama, sharing his deep love for his daughters, Malia, 10, and Sasha 7.

Dear Malia and Sasha,

I know that you've both had a lot of fun these last two years on the campaign trail, going to picnics and parades and state fairs, eating all sorts of junk food your mother and I probably shouldn't have let you have. But I also know that it hasn't always been easy for you and Mom, and that as excited as you both are about that new puppy, it doesn't make up for all the time we've been apart. I know how much I've missed these past two years, and today I want to tell you a little more about why I decided to take our family on this journey. When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me—about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn't seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation. I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential—schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college—even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity. I want us to push the boundaries of discovery so that you'll live to see new technologies and inventions that improve our lives and make our planet cleaner and safer. And I want us to push our own human boundaries to reach beyond the divides of race and region, gender and religion that keep us from seeing the best in each other. Sometimes we have to send our young men and women into war and other dangerous situations to protect our country—but when we do, I want to make sure that it is only for a very good reason, that we try our best to settle our differences with others peacefully, and that we do everything possible to keep our servicemen and women safe. And I want every child to understand that the blessings these brave Americans fight for are not free—that with the great privilege of being a citizen of this nation comes great responsibility.

Bumper cars at the Iowa State Fair in August 2007.
That was the lesson your grandmother tried to teach me when I was your age, reading me the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence and telling me about the men and women who marched for equality because they believed those words put to paper two centuries ago should mean something. She helped me understand that America is great not because it is perfect but because it can always be made better—and that the unfinished work of perfecting our union falls to each of us. It's a charge we pass on to our children, coming closer with each new generation to what we know America should be. I hope both of you will take up that work, righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you've had. Not just because you have an obligation to give something back to this country that has given our family so much—although you do have that obligation. But because you have an obligation to yourself. Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential. These are the things I want for you—to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That's why I've taken our family on this great adventure. I am so proud of both of you. I love you more than you can ever know. And I am grateful every day for your patience, poise, grace, and humor as we prepare to start our new life together in the White House.
Love, Dad

A better world for our children

My daughters woke up this morning, like any other morning, but they have woken up to a world that did not exist before.
If they had woken to the world 150 years ago, they would have woken to a world that still used shackles around a man's ankle as a form of currency.
If they had woken a century ago, they would have woken to a country that still hung men from oak trees for walking on the wrong side of the street.
If they had woken to the world 75 years ago, they would have found a country that believed one sort of man did one sort of job, another man did the other.
If they had woken up 50 years ago, they would have hopped onto a bus that only allowed the back seats for 'coloureds'.
Even 10 years ago, the suggestion - the very suggestion - of a man like Barack Obama walking through the doors of the White House would have been fiction.
But the very reason the idea of "fiction" exists is that life is constantly unfinished. So my children woke up to a brand new world, a new generation. A moment of history being coded. A tremendous energy flowed, as after accepting the oath, Obama stepped up to the podium and announced: "My fellow citizens, I stand here today humbled by the task before us . . ."
Tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after, the country that my children will wake up to will be rife with problems both old and new. But just because times are tough doesn't mean that they are without joy and without hope.

A lifestyle revolution for women

A new pill promises a lifestyle revolution for women, by eliminating periods. The oral contraceptive is the first in the world designed to do away with menstruation completely. Wyeth Pharmaceuticals claims it is safe and does not do any permanent damage to a woman's fertility. Normally a woman takes the pill for 21 days and then stops, or takes a dummy or sugar tablet, for seven days. During this time she gets a monthly bleed. The new pill, called, Lybrel is the first designed to be taken 365 days a year without a break. There is no medical reason why women cannot take the existing pill without a break. However, when the oral contraceptive was launched in the 1960s it was thought retaining an element of the monthly cycle would help make it more acceptable to women. Surveys in the 1970s reinforced that belief as women said it made the process feel normal. But since then attitudes have changed, prompting Wyeth to create the first pill designed to be taken continuously. There is actually little chemical change in the new pill although the dose will be varied so it can be taken non-stop. Could this pill mean the end of menstruation as we know it? Some say why medicate away a normal life event? On the other hand for women who don't want to have a period often this is a very good option. Most importantly however it provides women with a choice.

Money, money, money

The life-long benefits of teaching children good money habits make it well worth the effort. Children who are not taught these lessons pay the consequences for a lifetime.
The problem is a lack of financial education. Why don’t we teach kids about money in school? Wealthy or not, smart or not-so-smart, we all use money. Yet, while there are a few schools beginning to offer some financial education, it seems that most educators believe money isn’t a subject worthy of the hallowed halls of our learning institutions.
There is virtually no formal financial education in our school systems. Most education comes in the form of a very broad overview of economics. Okay, understanding how the economy works is important, but it is also very dry and has little to do with personal finances. Ask any student in high school how a mortgage works or what the APR on a loan or credit card actually means and you would likely be faced with a blank stare. They might be able to recite every bone in the human body or ask where the post office is in French but couldn't explain what a credit score is or how compound interest works.
First, debt is not necessarily a bad thing. Debt is simply the leverage of using other people’s money. The London Stock Exchange does it, people who buy homes do it, it can be a great wealth building tool. The root of the problem is not with debt itself, it is that people don’t use debt as a tool for financial gain. Instead they use debt because they fail to understand the consequences of using it ineffectively.
But their problem isn't credit cards — it’s a lack of financial know-how. And at the root of that lack of knowledge is our school system and its archaic curriculum, which is out of touch with the way people really live.
The more children learn about money, the more they will be able to make wise financial decisions as they grow older. If the schools fail to educate our children it is up to us the parents. Lead by example and ensure your children are on the path to financial independence from day one.

Two pancakes short of a stack

Baking with your little girls is not only fun but it can also provide the perfect opportunity for some incidental learning to occur (not to mention spending quality time with your little chicks).
The kitchen is a great vehicle to learn reading skills; maths skills; science skills; and don't get me started on the organizational and sanitary skills it teaches. Look at the kitchen as the ultimate science laboratory where you can create and eat your own experiments. What is so wonderful about baking with your children is that without even thinking about it - they will have learned so much. And don't think that this is the end of it! Your kids will see the same concepts they learned about while baking with you in school during science and maths class. However, these topics of science could never have been presented to them in a more delicious manner than you did, and with so much love! Right now, you are probably wondering if I am "two pancakes short of a stack" for advocating you to join your children in the kitchen. All you probably see is the mess that they will make. Okay, they will probably create some sort of mess. But I am way ahead of you. There is more to baking than just getting the baked good into the oven. Teaching kids how to see tasks through and clean up after themselves is an invaluable lesson.

Baking with kids can be one of the best experiences you will ever share with your children. Creating lifelong memories of the luscious baked goods you have prepared as a "team" truly evokes the love that you share.

Once upon a time

In all most all fairytales, girls and woman play a significant role. This alone is a good reason to take them seriously. Fairytales teach us that nothing is impossible. They show us, figuratively, that difficulties always lead to emancipation if you do not run away from finding a way through, from taking on the challenge!

The person who has a good heart will gain access to the wisdom. Fairytales teach us that all problems can be solved as long as you accept the challenge, follow your own path and don't give up. A heroines journey.

What about Barbie?

Barbie has been around - and adored - for 40 years, and millions of Barbies have been sold, so the chances are good that some day your daughter will own a Barbie. Barbie looks exactly like a marketing strategist's idea of the average man's dream woman: a slender, long-legged, young woman with long blonde hair and a full bust. So what should we do about Barbie? Maybe we should turn our attention back on ourselves. Examining our own beauty ideal before we decide whether or not to buy our daughter a Barbie doll. The pressure on woman to look good is so great that most woman bow to this dictate - and of course we pass this pressure to conform on to our daughters. In the end, either buying or not buying Barbie is okay. Either way, explain to your daughter your own position on Barbie, and what feelings this doll triggers in you. Make it clear to her why latter-day Barbies have tilted feet, ready-made for high heels - and tell her all the things you cannot do in high heels. Make your own decision. I didn't buy Eva and Bianca Barbies, but their grandmother did but, rest assured if she hadn't, Barbie would have moved in with us via pocket money anyway. *(^_^)*

I am angry and it's okay.

Learning to accept and understand feelings is a big part of growing up. Anger is a feeling everyone knows, and it has an important function: it helps us take responsibility for ourselves and tackle tasks-in short, it gives us courage. People who suppress anger are living unhealthily. Sooner or later, suppressed anger will emerge as a stomach ache, a headache, or as fear. Every child feels fear sometimes and that is okay. But whereas men are expected not to show their fear, women - especially little girls - are allowed to.

Could excessive fear in girls be connected to overprotective caring they might receive from parents? If we allow our little girls to have quite normal experiences, which include accidents like falling over, will they learn to deal with such mishaps as a matter of course. Do we as parents often encourage our girls to give up, because we regard certain things as too dangerous, or unsuitable, for girls. We must remember that children may be even more likely to have accidents if we constantly protect them from experience. For example, a child must learn how to fall over in order to learn how to stop herself falling over.

The Mozart effect for babies

From the moment Paulo bought me the Mozart Effect for Babies Collection I was hooked. I immediately went online to research it and was captivated. The girls listen to it every evening before bedtime. Eva and Bianca both love it. Eva calls it her ballet music. The Mozart effect first came to light in a 1993 when Fran Rauscher, a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin, showed that college students who listened to Mozart's Sonata for 10 minutes performed better on a spatial reasoning test than students who listened to new age music or nothing at all. Scientists argued over whether the phenomenon had a relatively simple explanation, such as just improving a person's mood, or if the effect was tied to a unique quality of Mozart's compositions. One study reported that the particular rhythmic qualities of Mozart's music mimic some rhythmic cycles occurring in human brains. Rauscher team at Stanford University in California, think they have found the molecular basis of the Mozart effect. Their study used rats, which, like humans, perform better on learning and memory tests after listening to the sonata.The researchers found that these smarter rats had increases in neural growth, a learning and memory compound, and synapsin I, a synaptic growth protein, as compared to control rats who had listened to equivalent amounts of white noise. So does the Mozart Effect exist? Well, some say the Mozart Effect is life-changing music and is medicine for the body, the mind, and the soul and many disagree. You decide, I defiantly would suggest a closer look.

If nothing else the music certainly leaves you jubilant and exhilarated, and that is always a good, NO great thing!

Eva's First Apple

Are our children trading ABC’s for QWERTY’s? Computers in preschool? Keyboarding and mouse skills for toddlers? In our current era, a growing number expect their toddler to be as comfortable with the computer mouse as she is with Mickey Mouse *(^_^)* and our little Eva is well on her way.

Computers are here to stay and while the keyboard may eventually give way to some new technology, the computer will become even more vital to tomorrow’s workforce. Many parents hope to give their children an edge by encouraging computer literacy at an early age. Software designed for children under age five is one of the fastest growing segments of the educational software industry.

While the experts debate the merits and pitfalls of the various media marketed towards preschoolers, we the parents are snatching them up. According to researchers in the US, toddlers who use a computer develop better learning skills than other toddlers who do not use a computer. Researchers studied 122 children, aged 3-5 years. The kids who used a computer three to four times a week got better scores on a test aimed at gauging school readiness and cognitive development. This new study comes after previous ones which indicated superior motor, numerical and literary skills among toddlers who regularly use computers.